


we rise and we fall and we break

by starrystorms



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Episode: s4e18 Eleven-Fifty-Nine, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, or lack thereof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 05:38:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6503005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrystorms/pseuds/starrystorms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thea should be used to losing the people she loves, used to losing her family. And maybe she is because she isn't sad. In fact, she isn't feeling anything, right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we rise and we fall and we break

**Author's Note:**

> This was a little draining to write because of the emotions, but I am so proud of it. It's a little different from what I've written before, but I hope y'all like it. 
> 
> Leave a comment and let me know what you thought!

Thea stares sightlessly at the wall in front of her. She is hugging herself, squeezing like she could keep herself together through sheer force of will, like the pieces of herself haven't already scattered across the hospital floor. She laughs bitterly at the thought. It's not like I haven't done this before, she tells herself. You should be good at this, at losing people, by now,a voice whispers.

She thinks losing her dad and Ollie all those years ago was as worse as life got. Their family of four was suddenly cut in half, and Thea was left all alone. Then she got one brother back only to lose another.

The thought of Tommy makes her eyes burn, and he invariably makes her think about Laurel. Her eyes burn more.

"How are you holding up?"

Thea does not tear her gaze from the wall, but she recognizes Felicity's voice all the same. She shrugs. "I mean, it's not like this is the first time, right?" she bites out, voicing her earlier thoughts. "I should really be used to it by now." Her laugh is borderline hysterical and definitively bitter, and she cuts her eyes to Felicity to see her reaction. The other woman's eyes are rimmed red. There are smudges of makeup on her face from wiping tears away, and her skin looks blotchy. Absently, Thea wonders if she looks like that. Is her grief that visible? Can the other patients and family members see her loss painted in the lines of pain on her face? Or has she forgotten how to grieve?

Maybe - and here's the real kicker, Thea thinks to herself - maybe she has just used it all up.

Felicity makes a strangled noise in the back of her throat at Thea's words and takes a seat in the chair next to her. She averts her gaze from Felicity's face because she does not think she can stand the pity or the sadness - the unadulterated grief - that she knows will be on her face. Thea knows without looking that Felicity grieves like people should when they lose a loved one (a sister), and Thea feels too hollow to feel much of anything.

"I'm so sick of losing people," she mumbles under her breath, but Felicity still hears her words.

"Oh, Thea." Felicity wraps her arm around the younger girl's shoulders. "I'm sorry you have to go through this, that you have keep experiencing this pain," she tells Thea sadly. "But no matter what is - or in this case isn't - happening between Oliver and myself, I will always be here."

"Thank you," Thea says vacantly. She is beginning to slip, her feet are sliding into an all too familiar abyss, and she cannot muster enough emotion to throw off Felicity's concern right now. She can barely muster the energy to sit here and breathe.

"Listen," Felicity begins. She hesitates briefly, peaking Thea's interest, but quickly rushes through. "I'm staying in an apartment that's about twenty minutes from here. Why don't I bring you there, and we can both try and get some sleep?"

Thea's first instinct is to ask Felicity to drop her off at Laurel's place (their place), but she feels the tears burning at the back of her eyes before she can say the words. For a moment, for a single second, she forgot about everything that had happened. She forgot that Laurel died, that one of the last people from Before (before Dad died, before Ollie and the island, before Tommy died - before everything) has died.

Thea swallows back her tears and gives Felicity a jerky nod. "Please," she croaks. "I didn't - didn't think about the fact that she won't be there, and I can't go back there," she says desperately, looking to Felicity for understanding.

"Hey," Felicity soothes. Her hand moves from around Thea's shoulders to her back and begins rubbing gentle circles. Thea takes deep, calming breaths and focuses on Felicity's next words. "I'll go tell Oliver, and then we can go, alright?" she asks softly.

She moves to stand up, but Thea's hand shoots out to grasp her wrist. Thea cannot voices her thoughts, so she meets Felicity's eyes instead.

Understanding dawning on her face, Felicity maneuvers her wrist and hand so she can grasp Thea's fingers loosely. Tugging gently, she says, "How do you feel about stopping on the way to get some idea cream?"

Something cold and comforting sounds amazing right now. Thea gives Felicity a watery smile and nods, getting up to follow her.

* * *

Thea falls asleep as soon as the car starts moving, but she wishes she hadn't. 

* * *

"Hey, do you have plans for tonight?" Laurel asks.

Thea turns from the kitchen counter to face Laurel, thinking. "Don't think so, why?"

Laurel walks into the cramped kitchen and uses her hip to bump Thea out of the way. Thea looks mildly offended, but Laurel just rolls her eyes before giving her an affectionate smile. "I was thinking of a movie night? It's been awhile since our last one, and you look like you could use the break," Laurel tells her. She reaches into the cabinet above them to take out a chipped black mug.

Thea steps aside as Laurel fixes her cup of coffee. "Yeah, that sounds great," she beams. "You know, the other day with Oliver has me thinking...it might be Harry Potter night..." Thea muses, hiding her smile behind her cup.

Laurel spins around, her coffee sloshing dangerously in her cup but not spilling. With narrowed eyes, she contemplates Thea. "Only if you watch The Hobbit with me," she informs her seriously.

Thea feels her nose scrunch in distaste and sighs dramatically. "Fine," she says, "if I must suffer, at least I'll have the Golden Trio to comfort me."

Laurel laughs and takes a sip of her coffee. Thea smiles happily at her, excited for the opportunity to spend some quality time with Laurel that doesn't involve masks and bad guys for the first time in months. Thea takes another sip of her coffee and opens her mouth to ask Laurel a question when Laurel's mug slips from her hand. Thea's eyes are drawn to the falling object, and she watches as cup and coffee fly towards the ground. When the cup finally shatters, the sound is muffled, but the coffee splatters red.

"Hey, are you-" Thea's words cut off with a sharp gasp as she looks back to Laurel. Blood is dripping from Laurel's mouth, and her hands are clutching her chest, trying the stem blood. Thea hears the sound of blood rushing through her ears and has to push her rising panic down. Color in her peripheral catches her attention, and Thea turns to see blood where the coffee had been. In fact, when Thea looks back up...it's everywhere.

It's a dream, Thea thinks desperately, squeezing her eyes shut. Wake up, wake up, wake up.

When Thea opens her eyes, she is kneeling over Laurel with her hands pressing into the arrow wound. The blood (too red too much too fast) bubbles over her fingers, and Thea presses down harder. She looks around frantically for something to staunch the blood flow.

She leans over Laurel to tell her to hold on just hold on please but her eyes have slipped closed and her chest is still.

Thea screams.

* * *

Thea shoots forward in the passenger seat, breathing heavily. The seatbelt is digging into her shoulder, but she doesn't feel the pain (she can't feel anything). She stares at her hands instead, surprise bubbling up at how clean they are. If there's no blood, did it even happen?

Thea frowns at her hands, turning them over and back again. She clenches her fingers and makes a fists, expecting blooding to seep between her fingers.

She feels a hand settle on her shoulder, and she slowly becomes aware of someone else in the car.

"Are you okay?" Felicity asks. After a bear of silence, Felicity winces. "Sorry, that was a stupid question. You're obviously not okay because nothing is okay right now." Felicity bites her lip to keep her rambling to a minimum. "Do you want to go inside now?" she asks quietly after a few minutes.

Thea shrugs but goes through the motions of unbuckling and climbing out of the car. At this point, all she wants to do is wake up and find the last several hours have been a dream. She wants to wake up and walk into the kitchen she shares with Laurel to find Laurel messily cooking breakfast. She wants to walk through their apartment door to find Laurel setting up the laptop to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, with The Hobbit on standby.

She is startled out of her maudlin thoughts when Felicity calls her name, and she follows Felicity into her new apartment. Nudging the door open with her foot, Felicity motions for Thea to walk in ahead of her. Felicity follows, locking to door before setting the ice cream on a small island in the kitchen. Thea wanders into the small living area and sits on the couch. When Felicity comes in a few minutes later, Thea is staring blankly at the TV.

Felicity forces a bowl ice cream into Thea's hands and walks back into the kitchen. Felicity returns with two glasses of wine that are almost two-thirds full. "I saw bottle at the store and figured we could use it," she explains, handing Thea one of the glasses.

Trying to muster some feeling, Thea smiles dryly. "Yay, cheap wine and ice cream."

Felicity sips her wine and has to concentrate not to make a face. "Alcohol is alcohol," she points out. "Besides, not all of us can own nightclubs," she teases, but it falls a flat.

Thea gives Felicity a weak grin, grateful to her for attempting to inject normalcy into this anything-but-normal day. Thea balances her ice cream bowl on her knees and holds her glass in her left hand. She eats the ice cream and drinks her wine mechanically, not tasting anything. Eventually her bowl is empty, and the wine is mostly gone.

Thea can feel a faint buzz, but it isn't loud enough to drown out the sound of Laurel's heart monitor flatlining.

Thea becomes vaguely cognizant of a blanket being wrapped around her shoulders. Where did my wine go, she muses. "I took everything into the kitchen," Felicity informs her, pulling the blanket more snugly around Thea. Thea blinks, realizing she must have spoken out loud, but she doesn't even care that she can't remember what words she said. It's not like words would have saved Laurel, a voice whispers in her mind.

"Do you - would like to watch a movie?"

Thea shakes her head and lists into Felicity's side. "I just want it to stop," she whimpers. "Please," she says, "please make it stop."

Felicity arms tighten around Thea's shivering frame, and she frowns. "Stop what?" She questions.

"All the death and destruction and pain. Everything."

Everything feels numb. Thea feels so alone, and she distantly wonders if this is how Sara felt and how Tommy felt and - did Laurel feel alone?

"Listen," Felicity says abruptly (maybe it isn't so abrupt, but it does make the buzzing die down). "I know I didn't know Laurel like you, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you it takes time, Thea, but please" - Felicity sounds slightly despairing here, and Thea wonders why (why does she care so much, why does she care, why is she staying - when no one else did? what did I do wrong?) - "don't shut everyone out. It doesn't have to be me, or Oliver, or anyone on the team, even. Just, please don't push everyone away."

Thea blinks owlishly at Felicity as the blonde smooths back her frizzing hair. Logically, she knows what Felicity said is true, so she struggles to pull all the pieces of her mind together to respond. "I'll try," she mumbles. (She can still feel the cracks, though.)

"That's all I ask."

With that, the two women sit silently, watching the blank TV. Thea remains tucked into Felicity's side, comforted by her warmth. Humming, she says, "Felicity?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you." She doesn't say for what, but Felicity understands all the same.

"You're family." Felicity says it like a promise, like it actually means something - quiet but fierce. "I will always do whatever I can to help you, no matter what else is going on around us."

Thea smiles softly into Felicity's shoulder at the declaration. "Don't leave."

"Never."


End file.
